My Sad Life but Here's a Funny

I've started now 2 maybe 3 blog posts that I haven't finished... ugh... anyway, this was forwarded to me today, and I found it funny... hopefully you'll enjoy it just a little as well!

Here are some suggetions for changing your message on the home phone's answering machine...

Actual Answering Machine Messages.

  Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am   capable of receiving messages. My owners do   not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their   carpets are clean. They give to charity at the   office and don't need their picture taken. If you're   still with me, leave your name and home phone   number and they will get back to you.

  This is not an answering machine...   This is a telepathic thought-recording device.   After the tone, think about your name, your number,   and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about   returning your call.

  Hi. John's answering machine is broken.   This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,   and I'll stick your message to myself with   one of these magnets.

  Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,   I already sent the money. If you are my parents,   please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't   lend me enough money. If you are my friends,   you owe me money.

  Hi.... Now YOU say something.

  Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone   I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call   back, it's you.

  If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home   cleaning our weapons right now and can't come   to the phone. Otherwise, take a chance & leave   a message.