Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can

stop any time.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it

dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I never met herbivore

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on

words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop

quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A

thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four

seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit

me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

All She Wants...

So today was a fun time celebrating October birthdays in the department... I won't bore you with all the details but this song came up in conversation...

ENJOY!!!

Time to Laugh... Just a little....

Another funny from one of my favorite people...

Long Live The Cowboy
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Did you ever wonder why Webster Wrote a Dictionary?

I know inquiring minds want to know...

So here's the scoop...

A simple explanation...

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

 

Of course Wikipedia has it completely wrong: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Webster%27s_Dictionary

 

Shampoo Alert

If only....

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. SHOCK---The shampoo that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume & body." Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so "full-figured."

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Wednesday Morning Chuckle… or Not

 

Been awhile since I shared one of these forwarded emails, but this one made me chuckle…

Groaners: Three Prayers

1. Here's one direct from my son who at four years old had started attending a Christian daycare. The evening of his
third day there, he insisted on saying "grace" at dinner. This was his prayer:
"Gone is great! Gone is good! Let us spank him for our food.
Amen."
(By Kas Healy)

2. One particular four-year-old prayed:
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

3. A teacher was drilling his young students on the Westminster Confession of Faith. The first question in the
catechism is "What is the chief end of man?" The answer: "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

One youngster seemed quite sure of himself as he anxiously waved his hand for recognition.
When the teacher called his name, he proudly blurted out,

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and annoy Him forever!"

He was possibly more right than we'd care to admit.

Here’s one of my favorite songs on Prayer:

It All Comes Back Around

 

I don’t think much needs to be said…

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

TEXTING FOR SENIORS

So, a co-worker forwarded this to me... though I have no idea why!?!?!?

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts. (That's why she forwarded it to me!!!)

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Where am I?

It's been awhile since I've seen a sign that made me stop and take a second look. But yesterday we ate lunch at Weinerschnitzel and I HAD to go to the bathroom.  First off, the door didn't look but thankfully the toilet was strategically placed so I felt somewhat safe.  OK, probably more information than you needed.  As I was there I noticed the sign with instructions on how to clean the restroom. Which quite honestly I found a tad ODD, but hey, maybe there are those who want to know.  However, as I looked a little closer I noticed something even odder than the instructions themselves... Can you see what is slightly "off" about this sign?!?!

Fight or Flight!

I've heard this joke before, but I find it so funny, that I needed to share it:

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain'.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'you should see the back of mine! '

Be Our Guest

I think my all time favorite Disney movies was Beauty and the Beast. I'm not sure why, maybe it was the love story (nah that can't be it) the music, which was truly amazing. Or maybe it was the first movie I took my little Timmy to.  He did really well watching the movie and when we would go to Disneyland he wanted to see the Beast.  Oh the memories of when Disneyland was truly fun.

So why am I talking about old Disney movies of recent times??  I added a guestbook to the blog today.  Not sure why...  there's only a couple of people to sign it... HA!  So I'm begging you PLEASE SIGN THE GUEST BOOK!!  Of course, I'm probably going to get slammed with those lovely SPAMMERS!  So dislike the Spammers.  I've yet to figure out why they think they are doing anything to future their cause.  So annoying, so incredibly annoying.  So how knows how long the guestbook will last.

Regardless, this has been a productive week as well as a productive month.  For the second month at the gym my average visit cost me 67 cents!!!!

...So "It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair, as the dining room proudly presents..."

Creative Photography

A few weeks ago a friend of mine (and  fellow photographer) sent me an email with some very creative photographs.  Be warned some of them are just a tad CREEPY. Others are very cool.

Enjoy!

[gallery]

Can Stress Make You Crazy?

I think it can!  Are at least it makes you do crazy things.  You say things you shouldn't say, you send text messages you shouldn't send, it just makes you crazy!  OK, maybe it's just me. The university is preparing for our accreditation.  It's a stressful process preparing because the future of the university depends on being accredited.  Normally, it really doesn't affect me much, but this year we are submitting our documents on flash drives and I was volunteered to help with creating the flash drives.  It turned out not to be super hard, but some other circumstances well... I went a little loopy tonight...  I won't give you the ugly details but needless to say the following video fits my life? Or at least it should.... (BTW No one left me... but I still think they're coming to take me away!!!!)

Am I Darth Vader?

So the question over the past couple of days, is why the Darth Vader mask for my profile picture. Well, there's a story, of course, isn't there always.

Tuesday I'm sitting at my desk, working on who knows what when I get an IM from Tom, that basically said I needed to read Staphon's twitter post.  So I pull up Tweetdeck to read this:

"Imperial March just came on in the office. I felt like i should have stood at attention and prepared for @hollymag321  to walk in."

Of course, that meant I needed to go to the Tech Office and smack Staphon.  Who ironically enough posted on Twitter (as I was walking over) "I'm probably going to get slapped in the back of the head for this"

And yes, he did!

Of course to make the situation even funnier, is what I was wearing on Tuesday.  I had on black shoes, black pants, and a long black sweater.  (for the record my shirt was a lovely deep rich shade of purple.  I looked good!)   Once Staphon stopped laughing he later posted this little treasure:

"Made it 10X better that @hollymag321 walked in wearing black shoes, pants, and a long black sweater with her vengeance glare"

We don't know if Darth Vader had a vengeful glare, we NEVER saw his eyes until he was saying goodbye to his beloved son.

So yesterday, in honor of Staphon, I changed my profile picture.  Of course, all of you who know me, know I'm kind, loving, and supportive.  STOP LAUGHING!

And of course I must give you a video.  Hopefully this is a good one, I'm writing this while in the Stamps Library and I have no headphones so I can't listen to it.  And yes, I really should be finishing up my paper that's due Saturday by midnight, but I'm too tired to care.  I just need to pass the class.

Opposable Thumbs

OK...  My children... they are truly freaks! Each one in their own special way.  Yet they do have one thing in common, their freakish thumbs.  It's just creepy.  And you can see for yourself in this brief video of Mark eating his lunch.

She Said Crotch

So my friend Vicki once told me there is nothing more ruder than an 8th grade boy. Well, I have to say I disagree... it's 6th grade now! A prime example happened tonight.  First off, Mark bless his heart can manage some serious body stench. Tonight he was ripe, my eyes were burning as I was driving home.  So I informed him he was taking a shower when we get home and if he came out stinking I WAS giving him a bath.  Of course, he wasn't happy about that idea.  So I'm like then you better wash your hair, your butt, your crotch... to which he responded, "She said crotch!"  The way he said it and kept saying it made me think of Bubba J. So here's a little Jeff Dunham and Bubba J. Be advised this is the uncensored version.

Chicago - You're the Inspiration

So my iPod is set to shuffle by album.  Today's album, yes Chicago, Greatest Hits 1982-1989.  I love Chicago just a great band LOVE Peter Cetera!!  So here's a little video of Peter singing and having a great time with it. Of course, I didn't know Summer performed with Chicago. I'm really impressed.



Today was a good day, got a few things accomplished. Of course, right now I want to string Mark up (Yes again!)

What is Dante doing?

From Drop Box

So... Here's Dante.  Any guesses what he might be doing!?!?!?  Give me a caption.  The best one will get a prize from Dante!

I'm too poor to give a prize but I know Dante can handle it!!! HA! HA!

Busy Weekend

Saturday is suppose to be my "day of rest" since Sunday's are busy for me. The past couple of Saturday's have been far from "restful."  This Saturday wasn't as busy or as much fun as the previous Saturday but it had it's moments.  Mark had bowling in the morning bowled a 71, 143, and 73.  Not too shabby, he's frustrated with his bowling partner who kept giving up on himself early each game.  It's a sad situation for that little boy.

I think did a photo session with my favorite little lady, Lily.  Sadly it wasn't a good day for the little lady, only got about 70 pictures.

Then it was time for the football game at Chapman.  It was a good game because APU won!  I got to take pictures with Ken's D3 with his crazy big lens.  I got some good pictures but no GREAT ones.  You can check them out at: http://picasaweb.google.com/hollymag/20100925Football?authkey=Gv1sRgCKef3IfV3qO_Qw&feat=directlink

Sunday was a good day.  A little stressful (OK A LOT stressful) but a good day.

Two weeks ago I saw a great commercial for Direct TV, it's with Peyton and Eli Manning.  It was very fun.  Sad for Eli that Peyton got out of the closet.  Here it is for your enjoyment

Monday Funny

My old friend, Jimmie, and my Mom send me funny stories from time to time.  Some of them I find roll on the floor funny... and this was one of them....  ENJOY!

Men's Restroom Mural
Read before looking at picture...

Edge Designs is an all-women run company
That designs interior office space They had a
Recent opportunity to do an office project in
NYC.

The client allowed the women of this
Company a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also
Run by all women execs.............

The result ..........well.....We all know that
Men never talk, never look at each other....
And never laugh much in the restroom....
The men's room is a serious and quiet place...
But now...with the addition of one mural
On the wall......lets just say the men's
Restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.

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